


Interrogatives

by synthetic_assthetic



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: 2009 Phan, Fluff, M/M, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, just a nice innocent time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-12
Updated: 2016-12-12
Packaged: 2018-09-08 01:45:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8825299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/synthetic_assthetic/pseuds/synthetic_assthetic
Summary: “I loved five other people before you.”“What were their names?”“Who, what, when, where, and why.”





	

**Author's Note:**

> Read it on Tumblr! http://synthetic-assthetic.tumblr.com/post/154987488156/interrogatives

It was early morning. The soft rustle of the sheets played in tandem with the fall and rise of their breathing and the first beams of light coming in through the window they had left open the night before, because they had fallen asleep to the stars.

Phil laid in bed pensively, having woken up a while before. He felt the weight and warmth of the body next to him and wrapped an arm over Dan’s torso as he placed a kiss to the man’s temple. “I love you.” He breathed. And it was to this that Dan stirred as well, returning the kiss against Phil’s cheek with a smile.

“Hello.” Phil added simply as Dan moved to sit up beside him.

Dan looked down at the covers and took a breath, not too sure if he was still too groggy to make of any sense, but carried on. He turned his head and met their eyes before speaking. “Phil,” Dan drawled, still slow with sleep, “how many were there before me?"

Phil’s brow furrowed at the question, propping himself up on his elbows before fully sitting up. "What d'you mean?”

“Mm, well,” Dan shifted slightly, letting out a huff of nervousness. “Like, how many people did you love, before me?” It caught him off guard. “Love?” Phil repeated, as if to confirm the meaning of it in his head before he spoke.

“Five,” He continued, concise. “I loved five other people before you.”

“What were their names?”

Phil smiled and held out a hand, articulating each word with the counting off of a different finger. “Who, what, when, where, and why.” Dan nodded. “Could you tell me about ‘em?”

“Of course.” And with that Phil took a breath and started hesitantly.

“Who I loved, was a girl from my first year at university. I wasn’t exactly close to her, but with a few gossipy facts and some little 'hey how are you’s’ over the course of the semester, you know like most stupid kids fantasizing over a girl they barely know, I filled in the blanks like a fairy tale.” He chuckled lightly. “And who she became in my head was probably more than the reality.”

Dan giggled at the endearing nature of the story. “Aww, Phil.” And he was nudged lightly before continuing.

“She was a third year, a sorority girl.” Phil explained. “And, I mean, I was the infatuated freshman, sure. But the time I got to spend with her was fantastic. Whether it was her shushing me in the library as she tried not to laugh at a stupid joke I made or walking past her in between classes, she managed to brighten my day. And it got me to see that she was really genuine. The only problem was, so did just about every other guy.” That last sentence left his lips with an obvious residual annoyance toward the situation. “She turned me down nicely, but I swear there were times when it seemed like the cliche sorority girl may have felt something for the typical awkward freshman.”

Dan smiled. And Phil carried on.

“What I loved was an old friend. But, he was way more than just a friend. We met early in sixth form and kept in touch through the years after. We saw each other grow and change and through a bunch of relationships. I saw his different girlfriends come and go and he was there for every one of mine, and every break up too. And it slowly became a matter of "let’s see how many girls we can date before I can shake the feeling of actually wanting to be with you”. He was ridiculous. Personality, humor, taste. It was all there. And now that I think about it,“ Phil sighed. "he and I were almost perfect.”

Dan’s eyes shot up at this statement, finding Phil’s gaze to be fixed at no particular spot on the duvet, fully engrossed at the words spilling from his memories. He reached for Phil’s hand and laced their fingers together. Phil’s grip held firm.

“The only thing that wasn’t perfect was our timing. We had always felt like the two of us could work out, not that we ever actually said it. But we were never single at the same time. And what we loved about each other was never enough to leave who we were with, especially considering the obvious stretch in gender.” The laugh that left Phil’s lungs was more of a sharp and shaky exhale. “This was something we eventually had to face and accept, and leave behind.”

Dan rested his head on Phil’s shoulder. “Where’s he now?”

“Y'know, I’ve got no clue. Probably married with kids.. I’m sure he’s happy.” Dan gave a small hum of confirmation before urging Phil continue.

“When I loved was my first girlfriend in secondary school. And it’s kinda unfair because she's this insane combination of both love and youth.” It was with those words that Phil spoke with a different kind of nostalgia. A happier one, much to Dan’s amusement.

“The feeling of young love is, oh man, it’s great. And it’s a thing of its own. Because we can only be that age once. It’s a time of innocence, and discovery, and adventure.” He explained, and matching smiles radiated in the room. Dan himself began to reminisce about the same time period in his life. He took much amusement in how those three words seemed to be universal, how Phil and 'when’ girl sounded a lot like fifth year Dan Howell and his first girlfriend.

“We shared our first kiss and late night sneaking out and matinee movies, all of which now have become this love preserved in a time that neither of us can touch. Even though we were just kids, there’s not a doubt in my mind, that we were in love.”

“Where I loved was the girl I met in Los Angeles.” The words took Dan by a small surprise, as he was under the impression that Florida was the most westbound that Phil’d ever been, with the exception of them attending VidCon for the first time this last year. “I never intended to stay there as long as I did. It was just a six month abroad internship I'd planned after my second year at uni. Life experience, I guess. But it all changed when I met her. A bit Disney, but I couldn’t believe it either. Soon, a year passed and somehow, a few more months after that. I couldn’t leave the city,” Phil stressed. “I couldn’t leave her.

Maybe it was my desire to be on my own, or to prove something to everyone back home, but she helped me accomplish it over there, with a relationship reflective of the city we were in. The new energy and new experiences really pushed me to mature more than anyone, or anywhere else. When people ask what city I love the most, I say LA. The city where I loved the most.”

There was a pregnant pause before Phil continued again, and the mood shifted.

“Why I loved was a close friend of mine who passed away. She told me after she was diagnosed that death wasn’t what saddened her the most, but the fact that she never really felt like she had fallen in love.” Phil stopped and placed an arm around Dan’s waist, pulling him closer. “She wouldn’t get to have those emotions, good or bad. Of being hurt. Being held.” Phil placed a kiss on Dan’s temple and met their eyes for the first time since he’d started talking and left them there. He continued, not talking at Dan, but to him.

“After she passed, it was those words that stuck with me the most. It taught me to see that one of the greatest gifts we have in being alive is the ability to give, receive, and even lose love. There are so many like her, whose lives end before having any of those experiences. What a waste if we don’t strive to love in our lives. She made me understand why. Why waste this life not loving?”

Dan smiled and met there lips in a soft kiss. He nodded. “I understand now. I- It’s amazing how much of an impact five people can make on a life.”

“And you, Dan Howell, are the sixth.”

He cocked his head, much like a confused puppy. “The sixth, so which one am I, then?”

“None of them.” Phil said sharply, and Dan’s features fell. “Oh, I-”

“Because you’re all of them.”

“Phil..” Dan smiled.

“No, it’s true! Listen,” Phil took Dan’s hands in his and smiled.

“You, are _who_ I love. The one on the pedestal, the fantasy. The make believe things that are wonderfully, actually true. You’re _what_ I love. The depth, the inside jokes, the best friend. You’re my baby. I couldn’t be more happy with someone like you. You are _when_ I love. A new history’s being started with you. I promise you that we are the young lovers that our older selves will someday reminisce about. Dan and Phil, love. Til we’re old and grey. You are _where_ I love. Because I’d go anywhere just to be with you. You are _why_ I love. Because before you I didn’t really understand what it was that I was looking for. And now that we’ve found each other. you’ve given my past and my future meaning. You’re the sixth, and you’re the last.”

Dan blinked dazily, in near awe at the emotional merit that those words held. Phil was being so genuine with him, and he couldn’t bring himself to say much else other than, “Wow.”

Phil giggled, his tongue in between his teeth. "Too cheesy?"

Dan shook his head with a laugh. "Can't manage something like that without being cheesy, you spork." He rested a hand at the nape of Phil's neck and pressed their lips in a gentle kiss. "I love you."

They continued kissing among giggles and shared a kind of hug that doesn’t seem to happen enough between them, with Dan’s face pressed in the crook of Phil’s neck and Phil’s arms wrapped around firmly around his body as his hands gently traced the expanse of Dan’s back from atop his pajama shirt.

“So,” Phil thought aloud. “how many were there before me?”

“Mm," Dan pulled away. "five?” He answered, smartly.

Phil quirked an eyebrow. “And what were their names?”

Dan smiled and held out a hand, articulating each word with the counting off of a different finger.

“Who, what, when, where, and why.”


End file.
